I'm 20 years old and a virgin, and up until recently I'd been expecting to keep myself that way until much later in life (though not quite marriage as I'm not entirely sure I want to be married).
As a result of this, I've never masterbated. My partner of many, many years and I recently attempted to have penatrative intercouse (four times on separate occasions)... and it just doesn't work ?
I'm not knowledgable about my vulva, so I'm unsure if our size difference factors into it (I'm almost 5ft tall, and he's 6ft4; could my vagina simply be too small in general ? Surely if a baby is supposed to eventually come out of there, I should be able to take his penis ?).
I took a small hand mirror and had a little look at myself down there, and everything appear normal; I then attempted to insert one finger and couldn't put a third in due to the pain and a feeling of blockage. I later asked my partner to attempt this while we were aroused, but to no avail. He got a little further than me, but I think this was due to him not being able to feel the pain himself and thus forcing it accidentally. (On both occasions there was a significant amount of blood; I had to line my underwear with many layers of tissue paper).
I'm so desperate to finally make that full physical connection with him, I've even said (essentially) "Just lube up and force it in; I'll put a pillow over myself in case I whine, let's just get this bad first step over with". Of course, he cares too much to do that... so... we're lost.
I'm terrified of visiting a gynaecologist as if they try to put a camera or anything inside me I will probably kick them by accident due to the pain.
Is there anything I can do, or will I always be the virgin suffering ?
Sorry for the long post, I would be sincerely grateful for any help !
Thank you Reverie for writing to us.
Sorry that you are not having the best first time experience. Do not despair that is normal.
For women, first time sex can be painful. That's because the hymen, a stretchy piece of skin that partially covers the opening of the vagina, tears or stretches to let the penis in. Or because the girl is nervous, so her vagina tenses up and that makes penetration painful. Sometimes the expectation of pain is what makes a girl tense up so sex hurts. If she’s really relaxed, aroused and wet, though, there needn’t be any pain at all – or at least it can be minimal. Take deep breaths and relax. Don't rush or force anything.
If a woman is relaxed and sexually aroused, it doesn’t hurt. If you’re very tense, the vagina can stay dry or tighten up. This increases the chance of the hymen tearing and intercourse being painful. The first time you’re often exited or nervous, so this can easily happen. But if you both take your time, it doesn’t hurt.
The hymen is the holy grail of female virginity. It's a very fragile piece of skin at the entrance of the vagina. It's part of the vulva and outside the vagina, not deep within. The hymen is very elastic, so sometimes vaginal sex or even giving birth won't make it tear. And in some women, it tears without sex, for example during a fall or by stretching.
It doesn't take force to break the hymen. In fact, being gentle when having sex for the first time can make the experience more pleasant and avoids pain.
Don't expect it to go smoothly from the very beginning. It’s normal sometimes to experience some pain when a guy enters you for the first time. This is all completely normal. Take your time and talk about it. And try again. Don't take it too hard if it doesn't work out perfectly the first time – just keep on trying!
Read some more here https://lovematters.co.ke/resource/sex-first-time .